The Adventures of KimmayLou

I’ve gone and gotten mega-fat all over again. I’m not even mad or sad. More like, “Well shit.” None of my clothes really fit me at all. I have like, one busted ass pair of jeans I can wear. My slacks fit okay but not the greatest. But, it is what it is.

I could rattle off excuses for you. I have about a million of them, but in the end, that isn’t going to get me anywhere.

New adventures being October 1st. And so does my quest for fitting in my clothes again.

exciting.

I’ve seen a lot of people post things like this for their upcoming birthdays, and while I’m more often a leader than a follower, I’m going to take this one and run with it. My birthday is on Sunday, September 23rd, as in four-ish days from now. I’m not going to have any crazy big celebration, and while I like getting presents (who doesn’t!?), I’d really like to see my friends make a donation to the Crawford County United Way. I’m not asking you to donate a certain amount, and I’m not asking you to write a lengthy note explaining why you’re donating. Put $1, $5, $10 whatever in the mail and send it to the address below. Just donate. Below are a few of the reasons why…

Agencies receiving funding in 2012 include: AuSable Free Clinic, American Red Cross, Crawford County Community Christian Help Center, AuSable Youth Service Bureau, Grayling Cooperative Preschool, R.O.O.C., Inc., River House, Inc., Crawford/Roscommon Child Protection Council, Mercy Medicine Program, G.R.A.C.E. Center, and Crawford County MSU-Extension/4-H.

They also, in partnership with the Crawford County Deputy Sheriffs Association delivered school supplies to all of the schools in the Crawford AuSable School District.

Please support all the great work being done in our community by giving to the Crawford County United Way, PO Box 171, Grayling MI 49738.

 (This small organization isn’t yet accepting online donations, I apologize; you’re going to have to donate the old fashioned way: cash or check!)

This past week has been interesting. My sister paid me to rake all the pine needles up in her yard. I applied for an $8/hr job as a customer service representative for a local business and managed to land an interview and then a job. The same day that happened, I received a text from a friend I had listed as a reference. After that, I received an email from a job I had previously applied for and interviewed at. In this email I learned that I was one of the top two candidates for the position. They want to do a follow-up next week. I was to call my contact the next morning.

This was the position I wrote about earlier. About the one I have no experience for. Yeah, I apparently sold myself pretty well.

The $8/hr job wanted me to start training today at 9am. From Wednesday at about 6pm to last night around 11:30pm, I debated. I talked with friends and family. I had already convinced myself that I’d be stupid to not go to a second interview. But it really wasn’t convincing myself. It was the right thing. It’s what feels right; it’s what could finally lead to me living the life I want, with the people I want, doing the things I want, and possibly making some sort of difference in the world.

Or.

I could sit in a cubicle and answer customer complaints and questions about woodstoves for $8/hr, no benefits, no vacation time, no freedom. You see. What it really comes down to is that I was a professional for 3.5 years, and I really — as much as I’d love to work for myself — don’t mind being a professional. In fact, I think I really like it. Why? Because I’m such a weirdo when I’m not in work clothes, that I like to see myself as a grown up and being a real person who can conduct business and sell things and help people. I’m not saying I want to be a SUIT, but I want to go to work and not be interviewed by someone wearing clothes and shoes that aren’t professional in any way, shape or form.

A friend had vouched for me for this job, and I appreciate it, but eh. This was the same person who helped me work on a food truck this summer and then when it was decided that my hours would be cut, she didn’t stand up for me and say, “She does a good job and has no income coming in. This other person has retirement and a part time job somewhere else.” Nope. She looked out for Number 1. Herself. And frankly, that pissed me off.

This whole summer, despite having fun with my boyfriend, has pissed me off. I couldn’t catch a break, and I wasn’t going to chance the customer service rep job turning out like my previous hiring at a local business that lasted 8 days because I wasn’t a fucking wizard. And I wasn’t going to waste the business’ time or money on training me and then be like “PEACE” — plus, the chick who interviewed me reminded me of Ursula from Little Mermaid. Like, she plays all nice and stuff, but can turn into the devil at any moment if you cross her the wrong way.

She told me flat out, “If the team decides after a couple weeks of training that they don’t like you, it isn’t going to work out, because they’re established and I’m not going to — I DON’T deal with that.” Which, I get. But c’mon, could you be any less professional? Oh wait, she could. The whole tattoo showing, tank top & skinny jeans, and hot pink porno heals combo was awesome.

At any rate, I emailed them last night with my decision, explained all of it. Is it my problem they didn’t check the email? Nope. Could i have called back today when they called? Sure, but I REFUSE TO BE GUILT TRIPPED INTO DOING THINGS ANYMORE BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE LIVES EASIER. Forget it. FOR.GET.IT. I also knew that this chick wasn’t going to be “Understanding” and I sure as hell didn’t feel comfortable with asking for time off for “an appointment” — that’s called LYING. So I emailed, because I didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t want to risk getting guilted into coming in. I didn’t want to disappoint someone by saying, “Sorry, I have this other, real, grown up job lined up, but hey thanks for spending time and money on me. Thanks!” And have them be pissed at me, or like, be screwed because they could have just hired someone else so they aren’t screwed over by me.

It’s 2012, check your damn email. You have people apply online, so you don’t check that email every day? I sent the email to the same damn email address.

My friend is pissed. I don’t care. Right, I’m looking out for Number 1. I have to. I have to get on with my life. I have to grow up. I want to grow up. I want to have my own place. With my own things. And my own rules. And in a place where I don’t know many people so that all of my past will quit following me around.

I am no longer who I was, and I’m tired of people trying to make me be who they remember to be.

The important thing is this:  to be able at any moment to sacrifice that which we are for what we could become.  ~Charles Du Bos, Approximations, 1922, translated from Frenc

Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow. ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros

The secret to happiness in your work is to find a job in which your neurosis is constructive. ~Jeanne LaMont, MD

At the end of this month, unless I can muster the courage to walk back into my former place of employment to have them sign some paperwork, I will have no money. No money and more debt that I know what to do with. You see, I have a retirement account with them, and while I’ll be taxed and penalized for withdrawing all of the money from it (it’s less than $1,000), it will be money I need to get myself through the next month.

I feel like I’m drowning, and yet outwardly, I act like everything is going to be okay.  I’ve applied for jobs, had interviews, worked at two different places for somewhere along the lines of 1.5 weeks each (both cluster f*cks), and have been pet sitting to make money. 

My boyfriend lives far enough away and with his parents (like I live with mine) that in order for us to have sleep overs, we have to stay at hotels, which cost money, money that we don’t have because he’s also unemployed.

And when it’s all said and done, I want to cry because I put myself into the situation I’m in, but at the same time, I’m so glad that I’m free. Free from trying to fit in. Free from the talking behind my back. Free from the hell that was my life for 3.5 years.

I went to an interview last week for an advertising sales position — no cold calling, already established accounts, etc. — and I’m not nervous about it because I think I could do it, but at the same time, I don’t really want to do sales. But I really don’t know that I don’t know. Everything in my head is a mess.

I want to be with my boyfriend. At some point I went domestic. Or something. I guess you could say it’s my biological clock, but the whole baby thing isn’t factoring in. Maybe it’s that I love him so much that I miss him so terribly that it’s almost debilitating? I don’t know. It’s not the same way it was with previous people; it’s like… he’s home to me. Everything feels great when I’m with him — he mellows me out, he balances me. He believes in me, supports me, and I see the world in a new way every time I’m with him.

All I know is that the quest for money interrupts all of this. The quest to pay off this enormous debt is driving me absolutely crazy. On top of it all, I’m most worried about disappointing my parents. I have disappointed my parents. I have stupid debt, no job, and I live at their house. I feel like I can’t get my shit together to save my life.

I want to go back to school, even for an associates to add on top of what I have, but I need a job as well as school, but I feel like, if I say I’m going to school, then I at least will be doing SOMETHING and then can justify a “job” as opposed to a “career” … But I live in the middle of nowhere so nothing is close, and with gas as high as it is, like, I feel like I have to move, but I have no money to move, and for crying out loud.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?

Add to it that I’m fatter than ever, have no motivation to workout, and just in general hate myself. I’m doing awesome. Yeah. Awesome.